Sarah, the changes made your story more readable--good. I'm still not completely sure what's going on and many of the scenes need some energy work: what can you take out that kills energy? What can you add in that gives the scene energy? I like your main character, though. She feels vulnerable and real like a person.This means that I'm on my way to becoming a GOOD WRITER.
It was the ambulance sirens that Johan remembered last. He
didn’t remember collapsing in the dining room and clutching at his chest;
mashed potatoes splattered everywhere. Being loaded into the vehicle as his wife
sobbed beside him wasn’t in his mind either. Medical technicians tried to
defibrillate his heart back to life but Johan didn’t notice this. All Johan remembered were the sirens. The
sirens reminded him that he couldn’t die yet, not before he got his daughter
back. He needed to find her and
make amends; to apologize but the sirens still led him away from his body and into a
chasm.
The chasm
was a blank sheet of paper. No one could have lived here, nothing seemed to
happen here anyway. For a while Johan just stood in place and took the setting
in before he began to pace about the chasm. Back and forth Johan searched the
place for a way out or for someone to show him the way out and he still found
nothing. There were no exits so he couldn’t leave and after the umpteenth time
of searching he had given up on finding anything that could help him. Each time
he looked around he tore at his hair and bit on his fingernails, this place was
driving him insane. Why isn’t there an
exit here? Johan thought. How am I going
to get back to Antonia if I can’t leave this place?
He wondered
where this place was and because of how vacant it was it could have been
Purgatory for all he knew. Johan had given up on searching when a pair of
footsteps faded into view.
“Why would
anyone else be here,” he said. He didn’t expect another person to be in this
chasm with him or for someone to even appear.
. The footsteps came closer and with
each step a new body part was added until it formed a complete human being. It
was like an artist finishing a painting and the painting turned out to be
Johan’s deceased childhood friend.
“Chuck?
Didn’t you kill yourself, what are you doing here?”
“Making sure
that you finish your goal. I didn’t think that you’d listen to a prophet or an
angel,” his friend Chuck answered.
“That’s what
I want but I can’t get out. Unless you have any ideas.”
“The way out
is easy. You just have to return to your body but there’s something I have to
show you first. Look to your left.”
Towards his left Johan saw a panoramic view of
a hospital scene. The scene was crisp and clear that Johan wanted leap into
it. Bleak, with a blue light filtering
through the window, Johan saw his body lying in a hospital bed. Everyone he loved
surrounded his bedside; his wife Catherine; his older brother and sister; his
son Garrett; his grandson; and his daughter, Antonia. His wife was the closest
and clutched at his hand, Johan imagined the cool pressure of his wife’s hands
on his own. Garrett stayed near his son, one arm wrapped around his shoulder,
it reminded him when Johan had to explain death when his own father died.
Johan’s brother and sister tried to coax him out of his sleep with childhood
memories. That left Antonia.
Johan saw
that his daughter stood near the window, arms crossed and defensive.
Come on princess. Where’s that angelic face?
He thought.
A storm on a
perfect day Antonia turned away from the window to leave the room.
“Antonia, where are
you going?” her mother asked. “Your father’s dying.”
“I’m not staying here anymore. I
don’t know why I stayed this long,” she said.
“He’s your father!”
“He’s your father!”
“And that’s supposed to mean
something to me!” Her hair created a whiplash movemen when she spun around.
Antonia stormed over to her mother and extended her arm so that she was
pointing at Johan. “We’re waiting for a man to die, pretending he was a good
person when he wasn’t.”
Antonia’s
words stung him as Johan watched the scene play out. Like a car wreck he
couldn’t look away when his daughter vented at him. What did I do that was so bad? I’ve done a lot of things, which one is
she upset about?
“Mom, I’ve seen you cry over Johan
when he let you down. He was never around for any of us. Garrett’s called me so
many times saying that Johan never wants to spend time with my nephew. And how
about the time where he left us as children? Why should we stay here for a man
who never cared?”
Johan saw
his daughter storm out of the room and scene evaporated away. He tapped his
foot and racked his brain for an answer to his problem. Apologizing to Antonia
was going to be tougher than he thought. How would he even get her to listen to
him, let alone make her believe that he was sorry for hurting her in the
past? With all these thoughts running in
his mind Johan had forgotten that Chuck was still beside him.
“So, any
ideas how I can get my daughter back? There has to be a reason why you showed
me that scene.” Johan said.
“Your
daughter didn’t want to be with you on your deathbed. A small apology isn’t
going to work and until you find a way that will make her listen, you can’t
leave place.” Chuck said.
Johan’s
eye’s widened when Chuck’s news sunk into his mind.
“So I can’t
leave until I come up with a plan. Whose idea was that?”
“Doesn’t
matter. When you do return to your body you can’t expect get Antonia back
without a game plan, do you?”
“No.”
“Good, now
go get your daughter back.”
Chuck
disappeared in the same way he appeared before Johan, slowly and like an
erasing. Alone again, Johan tried to think of a plan. He knew that Antonia got
her stubbornness from him, it was the only personality trait that he ever gave
her.
How can so much stubbornness and resentment
fit into a little girl? She has her mother’s beauty. What could I give her to
make her see that I mean well? Lost in his thoughts he realized he did give
her something. “The locket I gave her on her birthday.”
҉ ҉ ҉
Johan had
woken early that morning, for a week he had battled with insomnia and that day
he thought music might distract him from his sleeplessness. He played the piano for an hour before
Antonia walked up beside him and pressed down the last piano key.
“Good
morning Princess. You’re officially eight years old today. What is it you
want?”
“Cake.
Presents,” his daughter said with a smile on her face.
Johan
chuckled.
“Breakfast
first, and you don’t want to have cake before mom and Garrett are up do you?”
“No.”
Antonia sat beside him and clung to his arm. “Daddy will you teach me the music
you played?”
“Sure. I’ll
teach you the C scale first.”
Antonia
gave the necklace to Johan so he could secure it around her neck. She smiled
and began to watch him play. Johan placed his hands over his daughter’s and
guided her hands over the keys. Musical notes circled in the air and filled
Antonia with wonder. The music was a soothing lullaby that almost put her to
sleep.
“Again,
again,” she said. “Do you know songs?”
“One.
Green Sleeves.”
“Play
it.”
Johan played the song, it almost lulled Antonia to sleep.
When he finished playing he noticed his daughter was half asleep. With a nudge
he got Antonia’s attention and whispered, “How would you like a present now
sweetheart?” Antonia’s eyes lit up, she clasped her hands, and bounced in
excitement. Johan shushed her.
“Okay, but let’s not tell mom just yet.”
Johan got off of the piano bench and knelt down in front
of it. He opened up the top of it and rummaged inside for a small black jewelry
box. With a click he closed the bench and handed the box to Antonia. She slowly
opened the box and pulled a journal-shaped locket out of the box.
“Daddy, I love it.”
“Read what’s on the back.”
“To Antonia, my priceless princess. I’ll do whatever it
takes to make you happy.”
Antonia hugged Johan and she thanked him again for her
present.
҉ ҉ ҉
Johan was
taken out of his reverie but he had his answer now. Maybe if he got that locket
he could get his daughter to listen to her.
“Now to just
get back to my body. I’m coming for you Antonia.”
