Sarah the Summoner

Thursday, April 21, 2016 No comments

So I got a B- (82%) on my story so I love my grade. Plus I know I earned the grade that I received. And today is my conference appointment with my professor to see where I'm at. I still hate writing plot, though I know it's necessary for all stories. Plot is like perspective and proportion in visual art, very, very difficult. However at this point I'm at the point where I can see that there's something wrong plot-wise with my fiction, but I can't place what that issue is. Same goes for proportion in art too. Like so many things "it is much easier to be on the verge of something than to actually be it." (The Book Thief. Markus Zusak).

She didn’t think that this would happen, that she’d be curled up on her bed and crying on her sister’s lap. Hanna should’ve expected this though, health problems ran in her family that started with her mom and dad. Hanna won the lucky ticket that gave her a constant fight with her health.

For now her sister, Adna, kept stroking Hanna’s hair. “You’d make a good mom. You’re a great aunt already.”

“They don’t look like me or laugh like me. I’m not a part of them. It’s not fair Adna.” Hanna said.

“I know sweetie.”

Hanna rubbed at her eyes and sniffled then sat up and faced her sister;her eyes were red and itchy.

“You didn’t even have to try. A one-night stand gets you kids but planning gets you zero apparently.”

Adna stayed calm, sometimes having an older sister was a good thing.

“Did you tell Keith?” Adna said.

Hanna shook her head. Adna was the first person Hanna told since she came back from the doctor’s.

“I don’t have to tell him now, it can wait until later.”

“Do you know how you’ll tell him?”

“I don’t know. I’m not going to tell him at work.”

She brought her knees to her chest. Hanna began to cry again and Adna pulled her into another hug.

Hanna said, “Mother Nature’s a bitch.”

…

Things were fine that morning. Hanna had the day off from work and besides a few small errands, all she needed to do was to go to her doctor. For a while now she and her boyfriend tried to get pregnant. One failed attempt was a fluke, twice was disheartening though not bad, three times was worse, and by the umpteenth time, Hanna lost hope.

Today Hanna’s hope sparked and grew inside her with signs that pointed that today would end well. First she didn’t have her period. Second Hanna had a weird feeling in her stomach, not of nausea or pain, but just a feeling. The final sign was when she drove past a daycare center she hadn’t seen before.

Because of those signs she imagined who her son or daughter might be like. She imagined taking care of them, teaching them lessons and being asked awkward questions about having a younger sibling. Hana also saw her belly growing in her mind too.

Maybe a baby’s soul grows first before the baby does. The soul could kick before there’s anything to kick with. She thought. “That could be the feeling I have.”

Despite these signs Hanna didn’t tell Keith this. She couldn’t decide who was more excited about having a child, herself, or Keith. Hanna could handle her own disappointment if this turned out as another false alarm, however it wasn’t right to raise Keith’s hopes then break them.

Keith’d make a good dad though. He’d go to Antarctica to brag about any kid of his. Hanna thought. What if we don’t love him enough? Or she could get hit by a car. Hanna pulled in front of the doctor’s office. “Another good sign.”

Inside the building the receptionist greeted her and told Hanna to go on up to her appointment. Hanna entered the elevator and at her floor signed herself in. She sat down in the waiting room then watched the toddlers and babies play. She saw frazzled and happy parents and thought that she’d be one of them soon.

A mother soothed her baby beside Hanna and rocked him back and forth in his carrier. The baby boy remained calm while he sucked on his toy until it popped out of his mouth and fell to the floor. His loud cries filled the waiting room. He wanted his toy back.

Hanna saw the animal toy roll under a seat and knelt on the floor to reach for the toy. She wiped off the toy on her jeans and handed it to the baby.

“Thank you,” the mother said.

“Your son’s cute. I see where he gets his looks.”

“Thanks but he doesn’t get anything from me.”

Hanna got back into her seat and then was called in by the nurse.

Overall the visit went fine for the first half of it. There were rituals to judge her health as well as boring small talk. He stepped out of the office and said he needed to grab something. This wasn’t a good sign and it undid all the signs Hanna saw earlier. When her doctor came back he had her folder with the detailed test results.

In inches the doctor closed the door behind until the door clicked closed. Hanna noticed his skin tighten across his face, whiten, and turn transparent. She swung her legs in circles, something she hadn’t done since grade school. Her breathing matched her doctor’s. Florescent lights buzzed louder in Hanna’s ears, it mixed with the doctor’s footsteps when he went over to his chair. He placed her file on the counter yet the gravity brought it to the counter slower. It didn’t matter what the doctor said next. If this was like last time he wouldn’t have anything good to say.

“We’ve discussed this issue before. There’s a chance that you can become pregnant but it’s unlikely you’d stay pregnant.”

Hanna’s heart beat into her throat. “Yes?”

He flipped through the pages before he spoke again; Hanna swung her legs faster.

He looked at her again. “You’re not pregnant.”

‘You’re not pregnant,’ three nonsense words that circled in Hanna’s mind. She scrunched up her face, letting her doctor’s voice fade away. Did you’re really mean herself? He couldn’t mean Hanna. Not really. Not pregnant. Not having a baby inside her. That’s what all this meant, right?

Hanna poked at her stomach.

The baby could be hiding somewhere, she thought. Somewhere distant Hanna heard the doctor call her name. “My period’s late.”

“It’ll come in a few days.”

“My stomach feels weird.”

“You can have false pregnancy symptoms.”

Hanna scowled. The silence was longer this time and Hanna swung her legs over each other shifting her legs constantly, one over the other; right, left, right.

This was a joke played on her. It had to be. Why would her body not want her to be a mother? Why did it want to be a wasteland? Hanna would take pain in order to have a child. She’d deal with upchucking, muscle pain, and welcome foot swelling and birth hells. Hell, she’d even accept her own death as long as she could have a child.

Hanna began crying. “So, I’m not pregnant?”

“No. I can give you alone time for a few minutes. If you need it.”

Hanna nodded.

Her doctor left and closed the door behind him, Hanna thought about the child she’d never have.

“Boys take after their moms, and girls after dads. She could look a lot like Keith. Or he could look a lot like me.”

She imagined what her child would have looked like. They’d have her dark red hair and her boyfriend’s grey eyes. On a playful day she’d wind up chasing after them in a mommy/child game of hide-n-seek. Eventually Hanna would catch up with her son in a behind hug and kiss his cheek. Hanna heard his voice in her mind too. “Mommy. Mommy. Come on.”

Hanna started to pace the room and talk to herself.

“I just want this. Why can’t I have this?”

Her imaginary child began to haunt her mind again. She saw him run in front of her and to her kitchen and then outside. Hanna saw another day dream of him playing with her nieces and her sister. She thought of what his name might’ve been. Maybe Nick, or Mike. Zachery is a good name too.

Then again if it was a girl instead, maybe even twins, the name Valerie was a good name for a girl. Or Bonnie.

She stopped pacing in front of the window and saw real children that ran around outside several stories below.

A feeling, a spark popped into her mind. It was a stab into her thoughts that dug the truth deeper and deeper into her brain.

This won’t happen.

There isn’t a kid waiting for you. There isn’t a life, a soul growing inside you. This won’t happen for you. You can’t bear your own children.

Hanna stepped away from the window and sat down on the doctor’s chair. She saw her future children fade out of her daydream, their names going away as well.

This won’t happen.

There would be no diapers to change or sleepless nights. Hanna or Keith would never be able to help it with their homework. She couldn’t worry when her child would get their first crush.

“None of this would happen.”

Soon after the doctor came back in after a while to grab her file. “Are you okay?”

For a while Hanna didn’t hear him, her thoughts drowned him out.

“I’m not pregnant…and I can’t have children.”

“No. I’m sorry.”

Tuesday, April 12, 2016 No comments

Sarah the Summoner

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